Dinosaurland

I remember going to Dinosaurland with my sisters when I was a kid. I remembered the giant green brontosaurus and a huge triceratops, but most of those old landmarks have been replaced. In fact, the old natural history building is nothing more than a shell. It's also interesting that the long-necked dinosaur Brontosaurus isn't ever called that anymore--I couldn't even find one of those--now they are Apatosaurus, Brachiosaurus, or Diplodocus.

My favorite part of the trip was pulling up to the NHM and having Jack screaming and unbuckling his seatbelt. He was so excited to see the Stegosaurus and Veloceraptor. "Pull over, pull over! I have to get out here! This is what I'm talking about--look at that T-Rex!!" He had his ipod with him so he kept taking his own pictures of the dinosaurs and giving us a scientific account of what each one ate and how they captured their prey. 

Jack checks on his photographic collection. He even took pictures of the charts and graphs on the wall.

Your basic geologic rock collection. I told the kids all about how Aunt Sara used to keep a 5-gallon bucket full of rocks in her closet. I thought maybe they would think it was funny, but they both felt like they had been denied a privilege by not being able to keep their own bucket o'rocks.

This was their favorite exhibit. They were able to dig for some "bones". They really got into it.

We did some great hikes. Jack tried desperately to catch a lizard. I was so nervous that he would shove his hand into some brush and get bitten by a rattlesnake. It was such a beautiful time of year to visit the high desert. It's not like So. Utah desert--it's a place that is pretty barren after it gets dry--so I'm glad that we could be there now.

 Sego Lily in full bloom. I haven't seen these for so long.

 Hikes are bearable with bits of shade.

 Clean air means lots of lichens.

The kids look happy in this picture, but there was some complaining about how soon we were going to be finished. We did see some fossils still in the rocks on this hike, which was pretty cool.

Petroglyphs are always cool for 30 seconds. I was glad that we were able to drive to this location--it was quite a trek and this picture pretty much sums up everything there was to see. In full disclosure, Jack had to sit in the car during the viewing because I thought that I might kill him. He's going through a phase where he likes to directly disobey and then pretend like he never heard what you said in the first place. Makes me crazy. Also, baby talk...what's with that??

Anyway, most of the family witnessed this historical marvel.

Just a note about our hotel room--we went cheap and I'm so glad we did. Jack proved once again that he will throw up in every pool we swim in (so gross) and I learned that I can indeed sleep with earplugs. It was high school graduation night and the walls were paper thin. I have been resisting the ear plugs for SO long, but the thought of listening to graduates until 3AM was overwhelming. In the end, I got a great night sleep and I've been wearing them ever since!

 The next morning we took the shuttle bus spewing diesel fumes up to the quarry. The quarry is amazing.

I am not a geologist, but this is an unbelievable sight. You can't help but wonder what the world was like when these massive creatures roamed the earth. I'm always surprised by people who are rattled by questions of evolution and creation. When looking at a wall like this how can you not believe equally in evolution and the grandeur of such imaginative creation!

We drove home through Flaming Gorge. Both Jeff and I couldn't believe how beautiful it looked--we took lots of detours and checked out all of the overlooks.

 
 We ate crackers, licorice, almonds and cheese sticks. We didn't check our phones and we had to beg for a map at the information center.

 We spotted squirrels and hawks. I worried about the kids falling off the edge or into a crevice (there are some deep ones). The Ashley National Forest is amazing. This is a place that we would like to come back to and do some camping. The kids were telling Jeff all about Star Wars Angry Birds and how they were able to move up a level. They wanted Jeff to help them get to the next level "because it was so hard"--ugh.

Lovely flowers growing out from under a rock.
We were able to find a Red Box at a Maverick on the way home and you would have thought that we won the lottery. Vacationing with the kids...always an adventure.

Hunters & Gatherers

This is quite a crew of cousins. I can't believe how quickly they are growing up. 

 Baby Elisabeth.

I love this view from Jeff's mom's house. Spring is the best season.

Slacklining

I love these pictures of my sisters slacklining. We were all together over Easter weekend. These pictures make us look like we are awesome--slacklining is hard. Jeff placed two poles in our backyard today so that we could practice.

The voice of the shepherd

I've been trying to write this post for several months. In fact, I've written sections of it more than once in my mind and on paper. I just couldn't ever get it right--I couldn't figure out how all of the pieces of the lesson were supposed to come together. Now the words are finally in my mouth and I am at peace with them.

I don't have any dates or times for the following story. If I had to guess, I'd probably say I was at least twelve but not yet to fourteen. It was in the days when Grandpa Judd was still pretty heavily involved with the day to day business of the ranch...sheep days. I have such distinct memories of working with the sheep. Perhaps because everything about working with them was so very different than working with the cattle; and also, because Old Bill called the shots when it came to the sheep. Whether you ever knew him or not, let me make this perfectly clear--the man knew about sheep. He's the only person I've ever seen my own father defer to at any time...and maybe only about sheep.

Every fall the ewes and lambs were taken from Spring Canyon and pushed down to the pastures across from our house. On one of these drives I remember this specific moment:

I'm sitting on a horse with my dad riding next to me. We are near the top of the Buck Pasture, where the corrals now sit. We are riding out to the edge of a steep side hill that is covered in Quaking Aspen. The sheep have bedded down in what is left of the frozen underbrush. It is very early in the morning, just at the brink of sunrise. It is quiet and as we get near to the sheep you can hear the tink-tink of their bells. There is a heavy thick fog that has risen over their bodies measuring the temperature change between their heat and the air.

We are quiet. The sheep are quiet. My dad speaks to me low and direct, "Grandpa is at the bottom of this canyon. He is going to call to the sheep and they are going to come. These ewes are ready to go, the older ones have the bells and they will recognize his voice and know what to do. The others will follow them. When they decide to go, they will go on a dead run. You must keep up. Don't leave any behind. Let the horse run with them. Hang on to the horn if you have to because it's going to be steep. I'm going to ride out to the north and bring them from that direction. I will see you at the bottom."

And then he rode away.

Old Bill's sheep call is a loud "Brrrrr, Brrrrrr" noise. I heard it sound from the distance. At first, the sheep stir slightly, but at the second round of calls it was as if the entire side of the mountain began to shift and slide down through the trees in a continuous motion. Hot, woolen bodies moving in an avalanche of legs and bells and baas. They listened. They understood. Without regard for self or safety they ran with relentless speed toward the shepherd.

The Spirit works in such interesting ways of remembrance to teach us about the present. I've been pondering the power of voice. Repeatedly, I've been prompted to consider whose voice I am listening to; do I understand the message?

Last night I assisted in a Mormon Women Project event here in Cache Valley [www.mormonwomen.com]. The event was centered around a panel discussion on "Being Co-Creators With God" with Ronda Callister, Krisanne Hastings Knudsen, and Laura Wolford. It was an overwhelmingly powerful experience for me. The Spirit was so strong that at one point I looked around the room and realized that we were all listening to the same voice. The language of God is certainly individual, but I had such a powerful resonating perception that we were running to the Shepherd. Collectively.

Our lives are submersed with voices. Simply put, one of the most difficult choices of this dispensation will be to seek the stillness long enough recognize and hear His voice. It takes courage to hear what He has to say and consider the outcomes. It takes confidence and humility to push back the fear. It takes resolve and love to remain obedient. It takes faith to understand that there will continually be "fish in the basket".

Wouldn't it be easier if we could love and be loved, to trust and be trusted to the point that we could go together? The voice that tells you you are all alone, that you will not be understood, and should be ashamed of your unique perspective--well, I hate that voice.

Did you see the commencement speech given by Oprah Winfrey at Harvard? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMWFieBGR7c
These are just a few of the highlights which stood out to me:
"Failure is just life trying to move you in another direction."
"Your [life] resume should be more about who you want to become--your purpose"
"What unites us is far more redeeming and compelling than anything that separates us"
"You simply cannot demonize or vilify someone who disagrees with you. Because when you do the discussion is over."
"The single common denominator of life is that we all want to be validated." [starting at 20 minutes she gives an incredible example of listening to voices, stories and experiences--a MUST SEE]

"Did you hear me?
Do you see me?
Did what I say mean anything to you?
There really is only one goal; to fulfill the highest, most truthful expression of yourself as a human being"...oh, Oprah, you've got skills. Truth.

Do you know that your voice matters?
Do you know that listening to His voice can bless your life?
Do you know how your own experiences and testimony [voice] can lift, inspire, strengthen and touch others in immeasurable ways? The most truthful expressions of yourself as a child of God...our most truthful selves are the ones that move others most deeply.

I'm so grateful for tiny glimpses of what women [and men] can become when we go TOGETHER toward heaven.

"...and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd."

Written for April and Brian Hawkes for understanding my stories.

...We are sending you this red balloon.

That's just one of the things Lachlan said in her goodbye letter. I thought about taking some pictures of the sweet notes they wrote, but it felt like a violation. It's been a month. Most of it a blur, but also some great reflection on what is most important.

We decided as a family that it was time for us to say goodbye to Greta. I've been thinking about doing something tangible for weeks, but I just couldn't bring myself to work through the process. It's hard to be a parent and try to reconcile your own feelings without neglecting what needs to happen for your children to be at peace. The kids keep asking when we are going to go back to China to check on Greta--to make sure that she is alright. It will be years before they really realize that there aren't any easy answers, or maybe even an answer at all to their concerns.

We each wrote a goodbye letter to Greta and tied it to a red balloon. Lachlan says that it is Greta's favorite color. The color of China. The color of the red thread. To which Jack replied, "the thread that connects our hearts." As we were watching the balloons fade into the East, Lachlan said softly, "these balloons will fly over the mountains straight to her and she will know that we love her."

Family Update

On Sunday afternoon we were finally able to meet Greta. She ran into my arms and gave me a huge hug. It was an incredible moment and Jeff and I were so excited to be in that moment together. We had the opportunity to visit for a while with her caregivers, even the director and vice-director of her orphanage.
They informed us that she has been in foster care with the same mother for her entire residence in the SWI. This foster mother cared for her all through the surgeries. They told us that she had several delays—because of her pre/postop cleft lip and palate. Her cleft was very deep and quite severe. We were told that she still wears a diaper day and night, she still drinks formula for her meals, she cannot say many words (e.g., mom & dad). She is able to walk and can actually run quite fast. They told us that her foster mother preferred to care for her like a baby so we would need to transition her from a baby to toddler.

Jeff and I spent the rest of the day with Mei Tong. It was apparent that she was small and skinny. We were able to bathe her and get some clean clothes on her. Initially, we knew that she seemed very distant and only wanted to be held, at times refusing to stand. We were very hopeful that we would be able to connect with her. Unfortunately, by the end of the day we felt that her conditions were incredibly pronounced and the behaviors consistent with extensive brain damage. I will not go into detail here, but I think that as parents we had a gut feeling that something was really wrong.

We spent the entire night praying and speaking with our agency about the extent of her condition. They strongly recommended that we obtain a new medical evaluation to determine the full extent of her disabilities. We were very blessed to get an appointment with one of the best pediatricians in the province. She spoke excellent English and we were able to communicate openly. Her initial assessment was extensive brain damage and mental retardation. She wanted to be very certain of the diagnosis so we were sent to a behavioral and intelligence specialist in the hospital. All she could determine was that there were severe developmental delays—based upon the fact that Mei Tong was unable to complete any of the assessments, even for infants (she is almost five). We went back to the pediatrician who was very direct with us. I can’t fully describe any of this experience—she made it very clear that she felt Mei had experienced some event which damaged her brain development beyond just a developmental delay. She listed her diagnosis in the medical file as brain damage and retardation. I will say that this merely confirmed what Jeff and I felt in our hearts and minds. It was overwhelmingly devastating news. We felt strongly that she would require full-time care, perhaps even for the rest of her life. Again, I will not share the experiences here which led us to this conclusion.

I want to make it very clear that we do not believe that she has been abused in any way. We will never know what brought on this condition. Perhaps she was deprived of oxygen during one or more of her several surgeries to fix her lip/palate, perhaps she has always had a disability and a foster mother with limited options or knowledge may have been unable to seek the necessary help? It matters not because she continued to care for her and it remains obvious to us that she loved her and held her often. There was nothing that Mei loved more than to be held and snuggled. She was unable to communicate in any way, except by her hugs.
What this means: In the process of completing our adoption paperwork we were required to meet with social workers to determine what our family was capable of dealing with—this is a necessary part of the adoption process. It was determined from the beginning that our family would be able to accept slight developmental delays and a variety of cosmetic disabilities. Once it has been determined, these limitations are listed in your U.S. Immigration Visa requirements. You cannot adopt a child who does not meet/fully match these pre-determined parameters. According to the medical file we received for Greta with our original referral, our family was a match for her delays and disabilities; there was no indication in this file of her severe physical needs.  By obtaining a new medical diagnosis, we are no longer eligible to adopt Greta due to the severity of her condition. 
We are heartbroken.
We haven’t slept or eaten and have agonized over every moment, evaluation, and decision.
Prayer has been our only refuge.

I wasn’t going to post any of this, but I feel so indebted to so many of our friends who have carried us through this past year. It has been your love and support that makes any of this possible. Many of you dropped off toys, toothbrushes, clothes, coats—we were able to give these to the orphanage and they were so very grateful and excited to get it back to the kids. Others donated cash, with which we intended to purchase specifically needed items for the orphanage while in the province. Due to the situation and the many hours spent at the hospital we never had time to buy any of these items. I didn’t want to give them such a large amount of cash because there isn’t a guarantee that they will use the money for the benefit of the children. Jeff and I have decided that we would like to donate the money in Greta’s name, to Kathy and Dean Olsen. They are currently serving an LDS mission in Kenya. They have been working to earn much needed funds to pay for a surgery for Grace, a young Kenyan girl who was brutally raped and needs an intestinal surgery so that she can attend school. This amount of money will provide nearly a third of the necessary funds. We feel that it is only appropriate to pay it forward so that another girl can get an education and make a difference in her own community.

Jeff and I want to emphatically state that we have always believed and will always continue to believe in the power and process of adoption. Life is messy and complicated. We don’t always get what we want but we believe that God will always provide what we need. Our Heavenly Father never gives stones, He only gives bread. Only bread.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:9

There have been times in my life when I felt like I was given stones—and my lot was to figure out how to make a meal out of those stones. I want to tell each of you that I have learned through difficult times and choices that it is your attitude, determination, faith, and testimony which will allow you to see the bread. After all that we have been through, the failures and successes of adoption we have been witnesses to miracles, our deepest joys, and the realization that we are God’s children and He has a plan for each of us.
We will cry. We will grieve, but we know that everything will work out.

We would ask that you be sensitive with your questions and comments, especially around Jack and Lachlan. This is very difficult for them to understand and they are incredibly sad about losing a little sister.
We are now making our way to Guangzhou where we will make our way back home near the end of the week. Please keep us in your prayers. Be grateful for your blessed lives, your fortune and your families.
We love you.
 Jeff and Rose

For your phone and your keys

This is the look of the day. I saw many women who had sewn matching back pockets on their sweat pants.

Buddhist Temple

 This morning we went to the Buddhist Temple. These are the monks who live here. Those who have shaved heads live here for life. There are several monks who "work part-time" they don't have shaved heads and they mostly help and serve as volunteers or tour guides. There are hundreds of people here either touring or worshipping at any given time. These pictures aren't particularly in order--it's too difficult to arrange them correctly on this laptop.

 They have some large Koi ponds. A staple in Chinese gardens. These are huge fish. The mouth on this one is about as big as the palm of my hand. People feed them by hand.

 Saturday morning worshippers. Relaxing on a bench before walking home. We followed some of these women through the temple. Each Buddhist idol will help with specific issues, there were several here for mercy, protection, fertility, and wisdom. Alice is a practicing Buddhist. She shared several experiences where she has prayed for strength and guidance or healing. She also shared with us that her grandmother is very religious and gets up every morning at 5AM to light incense and recite her prayers.

 I loved this dragon. Lots of coins. You need to leave a coin for the monks when you say a prayer.

 This is the relaxing Buddha. Leaving passionfruits, oranges and grapefruits for the idol is very common. I've been to temples like this before, but I've never been to one where the worshipping was so serious. People were lined up to kneel and pray. They have an inner section of the temple where there is a Jade Buddha. This is the most powerful Buddha, but you must pay extra to visit it. This was the only area that was mostly filled with tourists.

 Hand feeding the Koi fish.

 I loved these prayer ribbons tied to the bells. You ring the bells when you walk by--it reminded me of the prayer spinners in Beijing. They don't have those at this temple. I asked Alice if she knew of the Dali Lama--she didn't even know who he was--guess that Chinese censorship is pretty tight.

 This is the most active area of the temple grounds. You gather the incense and light it then pray and bow while you turn around to the different Buddhas in this area. The smoke was so thick you couldn't see across the courtyard. This is also the area where the monks come out and sing to the people. They sang a song about how the world was created and how life will continue after death. It was really interesting to speak with Alice about the similarities in our beliefs.

 There were several areas where the walls were lined with these individual boxes of golden Buddhas. You pay a fee and they will put your name on the little sign below the Buddha. When you visit the temple you can pray to your own Buddha statue.

 

 Above: The most lucky Buddha. If you rub the belly you will be prosperous. If you rub the bowl in his hand you will have something else (cannot remember) and if you rub the baby on his shoulder you will have increased fertility. Alice said that this is the one that you should buy for your home.

A family gathers together to pray with incense.
There is a real sense that this is a holy place. I obviously have a different Christian perspective--I also think that it is odd that from Alice's view she doesn't feel that China has any restrictions on religious affiliation. She said that you can worship however you want and that the government doesn't care. As a Westerner, I wonder if she will ever know of her limitations. I wonder how it would change this country.