Current State of Affairs

 Let's start at the beginning, which is about four weeks AFTER this picture was taken...wherein I discover that both kittens have ringworm. Do yourself a favor and DON'T Google it. You won't sleep at night wondering if your pets have it. I Googled it after I purchased the special anti-fungal shampoo from Amazon.com--didn't sleep for three days. Once again, Aunt Carrie to the rescue. We washed every piece of bedding in the entire house, vacuumed every corner, washed every wall, bleached every floor...then we drank Diet Coke and took 800mg of Ibuprofen. Truthfully, there are worse things than ringworm but all the websites basically went on for pages about how you'll never get rid of it and then the kids will get it. Ugh. What a nightmare!

So today marks four weeks of treatment--I cried in the bathroom from sheer relief after washing the THIRD cat. It takes three hours to wash three cats, bleach the bathroom, scrub the laundry room, wash all of the towels in bleach and vacuum the whole house. I have done this at LEAST twice a week for the past four weeks. I haven't seen any new growth on any of the cats for a full week--which leads me to believe that maybe by some miracle I will actually be able to resume a normal life--free of chloromethelhexane! My advice to you is simple: go ahead and get a shelter cat--but you shouldn't leave until you've witnessed that animal under a wood lamp. If you don't know what it is Google it. You'll save yourself 4-6 weeks of detox.
No good deed goes unpunished.

 Well, next Saturday is the Pond Skim party at Beaver Mountain. I can't believe that we're through another season already. We are taking Louisa for her inaugural ski trip. We managed to get up to the mountain most Saturdays. I even took the kids by myself a couple of times, which tells you how much better they have gotten this year. Jack's favorite runs are in the terrain park. Lachlan's favorite move is the "squat and tuck"--elbows out. It's pretty funny.

 My favorite day of the season was with this lady. Can't get her to leave the Sev' behind these days...so it was awesome to have her all to myself for the whole day.

 And on an unrelated note: I took these pictures of my girls eating. They eat exactly the same way. Mouth so wide open that their eyes scrunch up and seal shut. Lachlan actually looks in pain when she bites into stuff. I always thought it was crazy until Louisa showed up and eats just like her! Is this an Asian thing? I don't know, but it is pretty interesting. Check out that vein on Lachlan's forehead--bulging out from biting down on pizza crust.

Jack is Seven!

Dear Jack,
You made it to number seven!
Those teeth are killing me. It's only March, but your right front tooth is already in and the left is poking through the gum. Goblin teeth. I also can't believe that a seven-year-old gets this much food on their face when they eat, but you always do...at every meal. You like to spoon huge globs of food into your mouth like you are Johnny Chestnut at the hot dog championship. It's really gross, but definitely you.

You had another Super Hero birthday this year. That Avengers t-shirt you are wearing gets worn at least twice a week--maybe because almost everything we bought you for school is already too small. You grew a full two sizes this past year. I love it when you show me your muscles and ask me to feel how big they are getting. Dad always tells you to stop growing and you love to tell him that you "just can't help it!" I know that you really love getting bigger.

You are reading chapter books and I know that you can read all of the Dr. Seuss books now. You like to read them to Louisa even though she won't listen and usually ends up playing a farting game with you. At least you start out with good intentions.

I was so proud of you for wanting to have your goal this year to be "controlling your temper". I've been so pleased with how you are trying to be patient with your sisters. Lachlan can't hear a word you are saying and Louisa is nuts...so I know it can be really frustrating!

I wanted to give you a kitten this year for your birthday because you have a really good heart for loving animals. Taking care of animals is a good way to learn how to be gentle and responsible at the same time. I love watching you play and laugh with Tiger. I also love that you are trying to "learn how to talk to cats"--just keep practicing--I know you'll figure it out someday.

I asked you if you wanted to be a veterinarian when you grew up. You said, "no, I want to be a police or a fireman." You're awesome and for the record, let's shoot for something not so exciting. :)

Miss Sharp says that you are a good example in first grade. You sit at a table with some "difficult boys"--thank you for trying to do your best to work hard and help others. If you'll keep doing that you'll never need to look for friends you'll always have the best people around you. Don't forget to stand up for kids who are getting bullied. You're a popular kid and your opinion can really make a difference for others who are having a tough time.

This past year I've noticed that you've started to be able to find the pitch in a song. Your dad and I think it's pretty cool. You have a really deep voice--someday it's going to be awesome.

Jack's New Kittens:

 Staring out the window at the chickens--it was very exciting until I let them go outside and see them up close. Simply put, chickens are not prey for cats.

 Mr. Charlie: He's a lot like our old cat Ernie. Very neurotic. I'm wondering if this is an orange tabby thing??
Poor Charlie had a terrible cold from the animal shelter--he had a pretty scabbed up face too.

Tiger: Jack named him. He's such a good kitty. He holds his tail straight up in the air--all day long.

Louisa Turns Three

Louisa turned three in January.

It's March. Time flies.
One year ago today we disrupted the adoption for Greta. I still have things I can't bear to say about that day. Why? I don't think I'll ever be able to answer why things happened the way that they did, but they led us to Louisa.

Next week will mark eight months--I don't think that I have been this tired ever. I've actually wondered if I have a disease because I'm SO tired. Louisa never stops. She's the first one up in the morning and the last one to bed. All day long she tells me it's "time-a-doh, doh, doh!" [time to go, go, go] She eats holes in her clothes, picks all of the stuffing out of her animals, ripped the stitching out of the couch cushion, fell face first down the stairs, drinks out of the cat bowl, ate a piece of paper, and used a crayon on my favorite chair--and that's just been since last Wednesday!

For her birthday she got some crayons, a stick pony, and a bunch of Play-doh. She loves to draw. She's used up every Sticky-Note pad we have in the house. I've actually considered embezzling some from the University to try and feed her habit. She is also obsessed with horses. She will point out every horse, donkey, and mule on every road in the valley, then she'll say, "tell Papa get me horsey!"

Everything is mine. My bus, my house, my car, my friend, my store, my school...you get the idea.

She still loves to sing. The Frozen soundtrack plays non-stop at our house--of course, she only sings one line, "Leh-eh doh, leh-eh doh!"

We got such good news at the end of February. After several tests and a couple of miracles, we were finally able to find a preschool teacher who advocated for her to be in the special education preschool and speech classes for the Cache District. I cried after the IEP meeting because I KNEW that she needed it and we had gotten such a run around trying to get her enrolled. She now goes to preschool two times a week and has a speech class four times a week. Her speech is really bad--2%. We are only understanding about 40% of what she says in context--out of context it's more like 10%. It is so frustrating for us and for her. I'm really hoping that the speech work will help us avoid some of the tantrums and misunderstandings [i.e., I ask her if she is in her room and she yells back, "whegyt styedg seysegcvy"--which means no, I'm shoving a paper clip into the bathroom electrical plug]

I also really love this preschool teacher because she lays the smack down. Louisa has control issues. And by that I mean she would like to control the world. I have seen her bully adults and manipulate them into practically giving her cash and gold dollars. Hey, I'll admit that it's a useful skill, but one I'd like to see gone forever. The first time we sat down with Mrs. K she tried to pull her usual stunts and Mrs. K shut it down so fast that Louisa literally screamed out loud. I fully expected her to shout, "How dare you try to defeat me!!" It was awesome. I did a silent inner victory dance it was so awesome. At any rate, she and Mrs. K have a love/hate relationship--it's a win-win-win.

AND...I just happened to mention the experience to her church nursery leader and so she was also able to capitalize on a hostile takeover of her on Sunday. It involved practically sitting on her to make her stay in timeout--but she did it--and over time I KNOW it will help her understand that she is not the boss! It's the small victories that keep me from assuming a new identity and driving away in the night.

I am proud of Louisa for how brave she has been with going to preschool. They send a bus for her, right to the house. The night before the first day she had bad nightmares. It's pretty consistent with a big change. She still gets very frightened about someone coming to take her away. We have worked hard to say things like, "you're my baby. I'm your mommy." She always repeats it and I think it makes her feel better. Anyway, that first morning she was so nervous. She didn't want to get on the bus until I told her she would go to school and then come home and eat lunch with me. She told me she wanted a hot dog. I told her if she would ride the bus I would make her a hot dog for lunch. After that, she seemed to calm down because there was an understanding that she would be home to eat with me. I walked her out to the bus and lifted her on. I had to come in the house and cry a few tears because it was really hard to send her and wonder if she was scared to death. I was so happy to see her get off the bus and be okay.

The Hesitant Disciple

I've been thinking a lot about "the rich man who went away sorrowing."

In Matthew 19, there's a parable about a man who came to inquire of Jesus what he could do to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus told him that he should keep the commandments; to which he responds:

All these things have I kept from you youth up: what lack I yet? Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. But the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great possessions.

This was obviously a good man. He keeps the commandments. He has been listening to the counsel of the Savior. He goes away sorrowful because what Christ has asked him to do was the most difficult thing; that which required the greatest sacrifice.

I wonder if this young man ever changed his mind. I wonder if he ever grew up and thought, "okay, I think I can do this now." Maybe he just needed to go home and think about it for a while--you know, like when you get a calling you don't think you can do and the bishop tells you to go home and pray about it?

What I know for sure is that I'm probably more like this young man than I'd like to admit to-- there are so many times when the Lord asks me to do something that I do not want to do. I don't want to think about it, let alone get it done. Do I go away sorrowful? Sure, but here's the thing...MOST of the time I just need some time to think about it. I need to ask myself the hard questions, test the waters, take a walk and talk it over with a good friend and THEN I give it a try.

Folks, I'm a hesitant disciple.

I wish that I could tell you that I drop my work at the first sign of missionary work like Peter and Paul, or pray throughout the night to repent of my sins like Enos--but I don't. I'm not there yet. I'm lacking and I know it.

I was thinking about all of this while I was getting the house cleaned up last week and I was genuinely surprised by the quiet answer that I received from the Spirit. I was wishing that I could be more like Peter or Paul and the thought came very distinctly that God loves the sinners and much as he loves the righteous. It's easy to see how he can love the peacemakers, patient mothers, valiant tithe payers, and fearless missionaries-- sometimes it's harder for me to see and understand how he can love the do-gooders, one-uppers, stinkers, sour pusses, bullies, haters, ....and well, the consistently hesitant.
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When You Get to There

Jack, Lachlan, & Louisa,

Here's the thing--your mom gets really bugged by the organization of the church lately. I can finally say that I'm at a point with my disagreement with the overall acknowledgement and respect for women that I just want to shake somebody.

I hope that by the time you read this with an understanding that women aren't relegated to one talk and maybe a prayer at General Conference. I hope that your ward has a bishop and some counselors who have a legitimate clue about the concerns, frustrations, and desires of the women in your neighborhood--and that he doesn't speak to you like you are a complete dough-head. I hope that you have a Relief Society president who cares more about serving people in the way they NEED to be served rather than quoting every two minutes from the "white handbook."

I am so low.

I feel like I'm trapped in a box and that there is so little help of ever getting out.

I want you to be aware that organizations will always abuse people because they are so conservative--individual needs get pushed out of the way in exchange for maintaining the status quo of the organization. There is a need for you to be greater than the organization--a voice for the people who are being abused by the majority. But it is hard. It is so very, very hard to be the voice for people who aren't the "ideal member".

The more you learn about continuing revelation--the more you learn about how the organization of the church really functions (yes, they do survey members to determine how much should change)--the more frustrated you may become. I can only say that...I know. Keep reading your scriptures. Keep clinging to the Articles of Faith ( read #9 over and over and over again). Pour your whole soul into the doctrine. Read the Old Testament and dig so very deep into why the Plan of Salvation in necessary. Read the New Testament and memorize scriptures about how Christ lived, how he taught, and how he loved. There was never a greater feminist than Jesus Christ. Not. Ever.

Lachlan and Louisa, there is a place for you in this church, but you will probably have to rely greatly upon your own testimony and revelation to rise above some un-Christlike behavior, talks, comments, bigotry...and most likely, racism. I wish it weren't so--but the organization has created an enormous machine of extremism. It's so extreme that even I get afraid to speak out for fear of losing my church callings or receiving even more open criticism for what I believe to be right.

Jack, be careful. Be observant. Son, the greatest responsibility lies with you. Your dad is an amazing example. I hope that you listen and watch very carefully when he speaks about those whom he serves. Jesus doesn't give a rip snort if you get your Eagle in a ridiculous scouting program. He wants you to LEARN how to love, how to serve, how to read and study and lead. He wants you to use your Priesthood as a tool to represent HIM, not to determine if girls can go on a hike without you! He wants you to stand up for gays, single women, widows, people who don't know if they can keep coming every week, those who have been offended, families who only want one kid, women who work, dads that leave the church, young women who wear short skirts and smoke in the bathrooms at church, abused kids....I could fill this whole page! Do you understand that there isn't a mold for someone to belong?? It's YOUR job to love them enough to help them figure out how THEY can serve and be served. That's the role of the Priesthood-- there are many, many, so many men who will show you by their example the wrong way. If you're ever in a situation where you don't know what to do I hope that you'll really think about first, what would Jesus do; and second, what would my dad do?

I don't want you to ever doubt that I have a testimony of the church. I think the most painful thing for me is that unequivocally, it is impossible for me to deny it. I know that I have covenanted with God to live according to the knowledge I have been given--and truly it has been one of my greatest blessings. I bear testimony that studying the scriptures will help you to find peace. I am trying to get to a place where the "church" is something that I have a strong testimony of--I know that it is a place of great fire where we are to refine our abilities to love people. There are many who I struggle to associate with--not love--just deal with--and I know that it is His will that I love them. Perhaps, it is ironic that my biggest struggle is loving the seemingly ideal member while for many they cannot love the alternative. I suppose that hypocrisy comes in all forms. Jesus taught his disciples that "even the Publicans can love their friends," which is certainly true; it is difficult to love those who spite or abuse you.

Above all, remember that I stay for you! I stay for this family. I go every week [and practice some deep breathing] because I want you to understand that the reward is greater than the price BUT nothing will ever change in the organization if you are content to be satisfied with injustice and extremism. I hope that you're braver than me and that God will protect your hearts and minds so that you can think, and do, and say those things that will be counted for righteousness.

Lastly, I want you to think about this:

"The government of Heaven is not bishoprics and stake presidencies and prophets. These are constructs of a fallen world. The government of Heaven is a perfected King and Queen ruling together in righteousness." The priesthood referred to in Doctrine & Covenants 2--as being restored by Elijah is NOT the lower (Aaronic) or the higher (Melchizedek) but the FULLNESS of the priesthood that is only given to couples when they are sealed in the temple. The fullness of the priesthood is not his or hers...it is ours.

May it be.
Love,
Mom