Family Update

On Sunday afternoon we were finally able to meet Greta. She ran into my arms and gave me a huge hug. It was an incredible moment and Jeff and I were so excited to be in that moment together. We had the opportunity to visit for a while with her caregivers, even the director and vice-director of her orphanage.
They informed us that she has been in foster care with the same mother for her entire residence in the SWI. This foster mother cared for her all through the surgeries. They told us that she had several delays—because of her pre/postop cleft lip and palate. Her cleft was very deep and quite severe. We were told that she still wears a diaper day and night, she still drinks formula for her meals, she cannot say many words (e.g., mom & dad). She is able to walk and can actually run quite fast. They told us that her foster mother preferred to care for her like a baby so we would need to transition her from a baby to toddler.

Jeff and I spent the rest of the day with Mei Tong. It was apparent that she was small and skinny. We were able to bathe her and get some clean clothes on her. Initially, we knew that she seemed very distant and only wanted to be held, at times refusing to stand. We were very hopeful that we would be able to connect with her. Unfortunately, by the end of the day we felt that her conditions were incredibly pronounced and the behaviors consistent with extensive brain damage. I will not go into detail here, but I think that as parents we had a gut feeling that something was really wrong.

We spent the entire night praying and speaking with our agency about the extent of her condition. They strongly recommended that we obtain a new medical evaluation to determine the full extent of her disabilities. We were very blessed to get an appointment with one of the best pediatricians in the province. She spoke excellent English and we were able to communicate openly. Her initial assessment was extensive brain damage and mental retardation. She wanted to be very certain of the diagnosis so we were sent to a behavioral and intelligence specialist in the hospital. All she could determine was that there were severe developmental delays—based upon the fact that Mei Tong was unable to complete any of the assessments, even for infants (she is almost five). We went back to the pediatrician who was very direct with us. I can’t fully describe any of this experience—she made it very clear that she felt Mei had experienced some event which damaged her brain development beyond just a developmental delay. She listed her diagnosis in the medical file as brain damage and retardation. I will say that this merely confirmed what Jeff and I felt in our hearts and minds. It was overwhelmingly devastating news. We felt strongly that she would require full-time care, perhaps even for the rest of her life. Again, I will not share the experiences here which led us to this conclusion.

I want to make it very clear that we do not believe that she has been abused in any way. We will never know what brought on this condition. Perhaps she was deprived of oxygen during one or more of her several surgeries to fix her lip/palate, perhaps she has always had a disability and a foster mother with limited options or knowledge may have been unable to seek the necessary help? It matters not because she continued to care for her and it remains obvious to us that she loved her and held her often. There was nothing that Mei loved more than to be held and snuggled. She was unable to communicate in any way, except by her hugs.
What this means: In the process of completing our adoption paperwork we were required to meet with social workers to determine what our family was capable of dealing with—this is a necessary part of the adoption process. It was determined from the beginning that our family would be able to accept slight developmental delays and a variety of cosmetic disabilities. Once it has been determined, these limitations are listed in your U.S. Immigration Visa requirements. You cannot adopt a child who does not meet/fully match these pre-determined parameters. According to the medical file we received for Greta with our original referral, our family was a match for her delays and disabilities; there was no indication in this file of her severe physical needs.  By obtaining a new medical diagnosis, we are no longer eligible to adopt Greta due to the severity of her condition. 
We are heartbroken.
We haven’t slept or eaten and have agonized over every moment, evaluation, and decision.
Prayer has been our only refuge.

I wasn’t going to post any of this, but I feel so indebted to so many of our friends who have carried us through this past year. It has been your love and support that makes any of this possible. Many of you dropped off toys, toothbrushes, clothes, coats—we were able to give these to the orphanage and they were so very grateful and excited to get it back to the kids. Others donated cash, with which we intended to purchase specifically needed items for the orphanage while in the province. Due to the situation and the many hours spent at the hospital we never had time to buy any of these items. I didn’t want to give them such a large amount of cash because there isn’t a guarantee that they will use the money for the benefit of the children. Jeff and I have decided that we would like to donate the money in Greta’s name, to Kathy and Dean Olsen. They are currently serving an LDS mission in Kenya. They have been working to earn much needed funds to pay for a surgery for Grace, a young Kenyan girl who was brutally raped and needs an intestinal surgery so that she can attend school. This amount of money will provide nearly a third of the necessary funds. We feel that it is only appropriate to pay it forward so that another girl can get an education and make a difference in her own community.

Jeff and I want to emphatically state that we have always believed and will always continue to believe in the power and process of adoption. Life is messy and complicated. We don’t always get what we want but we believe that God will always provide what we need. Our Heavenly Father never gives stones, He only gives bread. Only bread.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? Matthew 7:9

There have been times in my life when I felt like I was given stones—and my lot was to figure out how to make a meal out of those stones. I want to tell each of you that I have learned through difficult times and choices that it is your attitude, determination, faith, and testimony which will allow you to see the bread. After all that we have been through, the failures and successes of adoption we have been witnesses to miracles, our deepest joys, and the realization that we are God’s children and He has a plan for each of us.
We will cry. We will grieve, but we know that everything will work out.

We would ask that you be sensitive with your questions and comments, especially around Jack and Lachlan. This is very difficult for them to understand and they are incredibly sad about losing a little sister.
We are now making our way to Guangzhou where we will make our way back home near the end of the week. Please keep us in your prayers. Be grateful for your blessed lives, your fortune and your families.
We love you.
 Jeff and Rose