From Failure to Reflection

I love my friends. I know that some of my closest friends are also relatives, which may, to the rest of the world appear as an obligation. But we know the truth don't we.

Having girlfriends in particular is important.
I didn't always feel so strongly about this. There was a time when I would have said that having a best friend (for me that is Jeff) would have been enough. Forever. Yeah, I would have said that would have been enough.

But that was before,
when I lived for my education and my job.
Don't get me wrong. I've had the most wonderful lot of friends my entire life. I tend to attract a lot of attention (not always for the right reasons, but nonetheless).
But there was a time when I just had my girlfriends on the back burner and I was okay with that...

Then I quit my job to wait for our adoption to be finalized.
And I had a horrible pregnancy. And a failed adoption. And post-partum depression. And then adopted a child who (for a while) I thought was probably severely handicapped.

And my girlfriends have always saved me.
You always know that I want to have a Diet Coke with Lime.
You forgive. Even when I don't deserve it.
You validate.
And sometimes we just need to know that we aren't completely crazy awful people for having confessed our darkest secrets.

I know that there are people who have worse problems. Worse heartbreak. They have bodies that fail, children that are sick, tragedy that seems so overwhelming that you can hardly breathe when reading their stories. Some of these women are your other girlfriends.

I love you even more because you recognize that MY problems are hard for me. Even though they are less so than someone else's. That says a lot about the kind of girlfriends that I have...

Oh, I am so blessed.
so blessed.
so blessed.

Failures

"Something" ate my precious Scarlet Runner Beans. I was so shocked by their rag-tag appearance this morning that I immediately turned to pesticide. They are on life-support. It doesn't look good for them.

Beans are susceptible to failure.
I've been feeling like a bean.

The kids are eating me alive. I was awake at 2:30AM this morning. I laid there and seriously contemplated how long it would take for them to even notice if I went missing...
...15 minutes? till they needed a drink? someone to wipe their butt? dinner time? or maybe it would be when all the toilet paper rolls in the whole house were finally emptied and they had used up every "Kandoo"?...

Because I'm feeling like a bean, I think that it would be the last one. It wouldn't be dinner time because if I didn't cook them any food they would be thrilled at the prospect of just eating cold cereal and not my "nasty" creations.

If you really want to know what is really bothering me...here it is (and seriously, if you're going to pass judgement or make a comment like "oh, Rose, these are the best times of your life", please do me a favor and move along):

Sometimes I just really think that being a mom is just the worst most shitty time of your whole life. And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it because you signed on for this task and you are supposed to be loving it. And it always seems like every other "mother" that you run into has nothing but good to say about her life and how much she loves it, and oh, isn't it so cute when kids put their toothbrushes in the toilet and pee their pants until they are four years old. AND to THAT I say, NO, NO, NO, I do not like those things. And I just want my kids to grow up and quit spilling their milk all over the carpet and I don't want them to hit each other with sticks and throw sand on other people's children.

This bean is on life support! I honestly don't know if I can do this--

I'm tired and I've changed my mind.
I need a time machine, please.

Fathers and Sons Report

So, the boy and I went to the fathers and sons camping trip Friday night. Last year I took both Jack and Lachlan but this year it was just Jack and me doing some male bonding. Jack had mixed feelings about camping. When I would ask him if he was getting excited to go, he would tell me he was going to see a crocodile, a dolphin, and a whale but he didn't want to sleep in a tent.

Despite his expectations, we ended up having a really great time. We didn't see any of the things he was hoping for but we did find some nice fuzzy caterpillers. If you ask him about his trip he will tell you that he didn't get to see a crocodile or a green caterpiller - he doesn't even mention the whale or dolphin so that disappointment must have been more than he could bear. He will also tell you that he ate ice cream, marshmallows, pancakes, eggs, bacon, milk, etc. He really did enjoy the marshmallows. He kept telling me "Dad, dem my favorite". I tried to get him to eat one that had been cooked over the fire but he spit it out and went back to eating them raw.

When I was younger I used to write things I ate for lunch in my journal so it seems that he takes after me in that respect and he's starting to compile a great history in his mind of the food he ate and how good it was for each exciting milestone in his life. Great memories.

After our breakfast, we went on a hike through the raging river to an old abandonned mine. You know, pretty standard stuff for a fathers and sons actvity.

Breaking News

There might be hope for the Father/Son campout after all. Curious George just went camping and saw a bear (also got stung by a bee--but we'll try to keep that on the down-low).

Pretty sure that this will have a big impact on the boy. If it's good enough for a monkey...

How a Cat Plays with Toys

It's not really like what you've seen on TV. At our house, it looks like this:

Jack will say, "Mama, Ernst him love me. Him just love to play wif my toys."

Too Hot.

As in, I should be doing more yard work, but it is already 80 degrees outside. You could almost stand to be in our backyard if we had ANY shade at all--but we really don't. Someday we will and it will look so nice.

The garden is in.
14 tomatoes
8 peppers
6 basil
sage, cilantro, chives, oregano (had to transplant it into a pot, it was taking over the world!), mint (more transplanting and a couple hours of root removal--it already took over the world and was on it's way to other planets), nastursiums (my favorite edible flower!), rosemary
50 onions
2 tomatillos
2 pickling cucumbers
2 butternut squash
1 acorn squash
2lbs of zinnia seed
black-eyed susans, shasta daisies, yarrow, iris, chinese lanterns, rudbeckia, catnip (of course), sunflowers, forsythia, spirea, black-eyed susan vine, california poppies, lamb's ear, snow-on-mountain

AND, my cross-my-fingers...it's looking good so far, Scarlet Runner Beans. I even built a tee pee so that the vines could fill it all in and make a "house" for the kids. If it works I am going to make a permanent structure next year. I saw them at an agricultural conference in CA last summer. They have the most beautiful red flowers and the vines are so thick with large leaves...oh, I can't wait!


The yarrow was looking great until Ernst decided to take a nap in the middle of the plant! aauugggh. :(

We also had curbing put in around our lawn in the backyard. It was only a slight nightmare. The chickens never got put in the coop and they walked all over a whole section of wet concrete. There were chicken tracks everywhere! Such a mess, we had to redo that section so that it wouldn't crumble. The chickens have been a slight disaster this year. They are first of all, nuts. We've never had such wild birds. We tried to catch one to keep it out of the wet concrete and it flew over the fence and was last seen headed northbound. As the rate that bird was moving it's probably just outside of Boise right now. Good riddance, I say. Stupid bird. The other two are slowly realizing that we will not chase them down if they choose to "go it alone"--we'll see if they last through the summer. They are digging machines. I have been terrified to let them get anywhere near my new plants. I already had to replace one of the pickling cucumbers. They dug it right out of the ground! The good news is that they have beautiful eggs. Some of the best we have ever had...and Lachlan has been doing her part to get them eaten. She requests a hard-boiled egg at every meal. Jeff indulges her for breakfast, she'll eat at least two--sometimes as many as four. Four hard-boiled eggs. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Oh, which reminds me. Her soft-spot is finally filled in--as in--she doesn't have a hole in her skull. Jeff thinks that this means that her hair is finally going to come in...we'll see.

We also finished the office and the laundry room in the basement. I love the office. It looks like Ikea blew-up in there, but I don't care...it's very comfortable and I am in love with the wall color. My basement laundry room is the best thing that ever happened to my kitchen. I used to have NO upstairs pantry, now I have a walk-in pantry (where the laundry used to be) and a full storage room in the basement. All of the shelves aren't quite up in that room, but they have all been purchased--which is the biggest part of the battle for me.

My new laundry/storage room.

My new cold storage

The new office. My favorite part is the three clocks in different time zones, oh, and the map of North America. I love that map.

Amidst all of the chaos, I've managed to also paint a portion of the fence we share with the neighbors. I've had to change it to an exclusively AM/PM job--I just can't stand out there in the heat of the day. It's too painful.

AND, I did sing with Donny Osmond on Memorial Day. It wasn't much of a holiday. Just hours and hours of rehearsal, showtime and Aleve. It was fun, but I'm afraid that my jaw is going to have permanent damage. I never expected that it would be a long-term injury. I have good days and bad days, most of it depending upon how much I have done the day before. I spend a good portion of my time planning what I'm going to eat and or say--and if it is really worth the "jaw" effort. The good news is that a feel like it is getting better, very slowly, but better, I think.

Jeff is taking Jack to the church "Father's and Sons Campout". If you ask Jack if he wants to go camping with dad he says, "No, me want to see crocodiles, and whales, and dolphins." If you ask him if he wants to sleep in the tent, he will say, "No, I will sleep in my big boy bed. No crocodiles will get me. The whale ate Pinnochio, him stay at home in him bed." As you can see, we've moved on to a new phase of weirdness. Everything revolves around him seeing a crocodile, getting away from a whale or petting a dolphin, oh, yeah, and Curious George. "Mama, you know him a monkey?" Yup. I know.

Carver Reunion

I know that some of you are checking here for the updates on the Carver/Aggie Reunion--I am going to be posting those from the Judd Ranch (click here) blog. You can find the link on the right hand side of this blog OR just click on the link from this post and it will take you there directly.

I'm supposed to remind you that Grandma Carver is excited to see everyone (not as excited as my dad, but pretty excited).
See you there.

The Jackhammer

I probably would have laughed if it hadn't hurt so bad...

That's what the Dr. used to put my jaw back together...sort of.
It's a severe dislocation. He only put it "together" enough to make it possible for me to close my mouth. He was afraid that if he really worked it over that it would be too painful. I will go back to see him on Monday (with some new X-Rays) to "finish the job" and hopefully get a determination of the whole problem.

I've had some lunch (which I could chew) and three Ibuprofen.
He said that tonight it will feel like I took my jaw to the gym and really worked it over. I assured him that I watch "The Biggest Loser" on a regular basis so I was somewhat familiar with what he was telling me.

Why am I broken? I am seriously wondering what is going on with my body!?

Mandibular Dislocation

I went to the dentist this morning. I have beautiful teeth. Not a spic of tarter--that's what OCD will give you, incredibly scrubbed teeth.

Unfortunately, it has also given me another gift.
The Judd curse: teeth grinding.

I grind my teeth, clamp them down, rub them back and forth. I grind them in the morning, in the car, when I am vacuuming, dealing with the children, at work...I know that I'm wound a little tight. Always have been. It's my lot in life.

My dentist is a wonderful man who has replaced my bite guard numerous times. I'm sure that many of you are not aware that you can actually grind right through a mouth guard, oh, but you can! He is well aware that given a different circumstance I would have made an incredible chain smoker. God blessed my lungs, but birthed me in the age of cosmetic dentistry (how's that for mercy?)

Conversation with dentist went like this:
Dr. E: Have you had any recent jaw pain?
Me: Yes, I've had a sinus infection that has settled in my jaw. I'm on antibiotics and pain killers and Advil. I can't close my mouth all the way.
Dr. E: How many days haven't you closed your mouth?
Me: Three or four?
Dr. E: Well, you may have a cold, but you also have a dislocated jaw. It's not aligning correctly. You couldn't close your mouth even if you wanted to--your lower jaw is back too far and slightly to the left. You need to have this fixed today.
Me: How did this happen?
Dr. E: You grind your teeth. You get stressed out. You lock your jaw and then open it too wide and it pops out of joint. I know a guy who can help you fix it. I'll make the call...

He knows a guy. I'm going to see him shortly.
He's going to "relocate" the jaw. Thank goodness. Maybe the numbness in my eye socket will go away.