You've Been Warned

Three things women should never do at home. Come on, girls, seriously these jobs should be left to paid professionals.

1) Eyebrow wax and shaping. If you aren't having them done (well, that's your first problem). If you are doing it at home-commit today to change. If you have even considered doing a bikini wax at home I've got two words for you. Blood Blisters.

2) Hair Color/Highlight. what the?? Just because Eva Longoria says that she does her own color with Loreal--doesn't mean that it is true. This rule is an absolute for anybody other than toe-heads who think that they should be any form of blonde.

3) Dry Cleaning. Again, all earth-friendliness aside--do you really think that throwing that Ralph Lauren jacket in with a "dryer sheet" is going to take the body odor smell out of your clothing? The same applies for those who feel that Febreeze and a good iron should be enough for linen pants.

And while we're on the topic of women's issues. I received this "letter to the manufacturer" from my dear friend Shari . She wanted to know if I had sent it--actually, no. In all honesty, I stopped wearing pads in 1991 (for reasons that will be avoided due to "gross-out factor")--oh, and I guess I had a short stint there after the birth of Jack. You can't avoid them after birth. It goes along with the $12,000 humiliation package they offer at all hospitals for expectant mothers. Generally included with the "netted" XXL panties, and the "oh, you have inverted nipples" comment from the male nurse.

At any rate, I got a good laugh out of it this morning. It's worth sharing.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . .Best,
Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX