Weekend Update

Okay, so maybe it's a bit more than just the weekend...like anyone but me will know that...

I decided last Thursday that I would head back to the Bear River Health Department and get the kids' second vaccination for H1N1. The first time we were there I almost shot the staff so I needed some time to calm down and reevaluate. This time was a better experience with 'their people', but a much worse experience with 'my people.'

I explained to the children in the waiting room that we were there to get our shots, but that it wasn't a big deal and that even mom was going to get a shot and I wasn't scared. I left it at that because I HATE those mothers that try to over talk a situation. Upon entrance to the room, I stated that Jack was going to be first. He began to protest but I just sat him on my lap and hiked his pant leg up. He was fine until I took a hold of his hands and the nurse started to swab his leg with a cotton ball, then he got a little nervous and started to say, "I don't want a shot, let me go!" He was kind of crying, but it wasn't anything outrageous. Lachlan, however, started to freak--and I really mean freak out--she started screaming and bawling, "Let go of my brother! You are going to hurt him! Put him down!" And seriously, her eyes were all rolled back in her head and she had a maniacal look about her. Well, Jack took one look at that beast and figured that he was going to get his arm cut off or worse and went ballistic. I wanted to use my spare arm to knock the ever-loving #*@! out of Lachlan, but I figured since DCFS is right across the hall that it would be easy for them to make a case of abuse. Anyway, the nurse had to hold that kid's leg down like a cowboy with a branding iron to get the needle in and then he was just screaming like a crazy person! When it was all over I covered his mouth with my hand (so that he could even hear my voice over his own) and told him that he wouldn't get a sucker until he stopped bawling. At that was the end. The kid can really shut it down when candy is involved...

Lest you forget that Lachlan is still screaming, she has now worked herself into a full blown panic attack--I grabbed her and told the nurse to get a bigger needle--Just kidding--sort of...

I basically had to man-handle her to even get to her leg and then she started hitting the nurse and screaming, "no, no, no!!!" At the last minute, she even tried to propel herself off of my lap using some core muscles that she has been building up while dancing to her "Wee Sing" CDs. In the end, the nurse and I won the battle and Lachlan was able to calm down enough to select a sucker of her own accord.

I do think that she suffered some post-traumatic stress related issues because when I asked her what flavor of sucker she had on the way home she replied," Hot Dog. It's hot dog flavored. I chose it because it had a hot dog on the whappa (wrapper). And I like hot dogs."

Lord have mercy. You'd have to be out of your right mind to actually think to yourself, "Wow, after all of that, what I really need is something that tastes like a hot dog."

It gives a whole new meaning to the term "comfort food."

On Friday:

Jeff had to dislodge a jaw breaker that Lachlan had gotten wedged in the back of her jaw. It was behind both her top and bottom molars and she couldn't open her jaw any further or close it at all. She was bawling with her mouth wide open and orange drool was getting everywhere! Jeff flicked it out and the jaw breaker went flinging across the room--PING! It literally went shooting across the room. We told her that she was banned from jaw breakers. Duh, where the h ---did she even get it from in the first place?

On Saturday:

Jeff took me to see Avatar in 3D. Actually, it was more like, he hauled me to see Avatar. I don't care for science fiction, but this turned out okay. He told me that it was like a science fiction Dances with Wolves--and it was like that film. It has some really macho Marine stereotypes--which makes me feel like maybe I hate the Marines and their trigger-happy commanders, but it's probably a political statement by the director rather than a reflection of what really happens (that's what Jeff told me :) I'm still a patriot, people). I also got really nervous because I bawled so hard at the end of Dances with Wolves that I had a headache for two days...AND they killed his wolf. And I told Jeff that if the Marines killed the blue-guy's 'horse/bird thing' that I was going to have to leave the theater--SPOILER ALERT: but they don't. And so I was able to stay for the whole show. Say what you will, I'm a high-maintenance movie goer. I'm related to a serious bunch of movie watchers, but I am the black sheep because I NEED a movie to have a happy ending and a movie that involves any sort of "beloved pet/animal death" will NEVER get four stars from this critic. Ever.

For instance, "Man From Snowy River" 5 stars. The sequel, "Return to Snowy River, " 2.5 stars. Why? Two reasons, really. One: They kill the horse (an automatic 2 star deduction) Two: Couldn't get Kurt Douglas to come back as Harrison--bummer, but only 1/2 star reduction. Maybe it's a bad example. Whatever. You get the point.

On Sunday afternoon, Lachlan informed us that her Primary teachers, Sister Martineau and "her dad" Brother Martineau were shoplifters. Upon further investigation, it was revealed that they only performed a simulated role play of stealing to help the kids understand the importance of 'choosing the right.' After some discussion, we were able to set the record straight concerning the misdemeanor charges. However, Lachlan continues to be fairly insistent that, "you know, the really big boy that comes with Miss Martywow, well, that is her dad. And he just sits and watches with us." Try not to take it personally, Scott, she tells me all the time that I am too old to do things.