Light 'Em Up

I've mentioned Lachlan's "smokers grip" before. I caught her smoking this Cheeto two days ago. It was pretty funny the way she casually laid her hand on the table and then brought it to her mouth to take a long drag on the powdered cheese.

This is one of her more fascinating quirks. Whenever I catch her fake smoking it literally stops me in my tracks and I just have to sit and quietly watch--where did she learn this??

Life Support?

I know. It's shallow to laugh at him, but seriously, this picture of him at the final debate...come on. It's hilarious. The possibilities for commentary alone are astronomical. Let me just throw out a few just in case someone from the local paper is reading.

McCain chokes on smug during final debate.

Debate Disaster: McCain suffers from Depends leakage.

Kissing Republican ass...leaves bad taste in the mouth.

Okay, now I'll open it up for your suggestions. Oh, and as long as I'm raking the muck-I'll throw in a look at this yard sign that also gave me quite a chuckle.

The Good News: Fanta Doesn't Stain

I needed to finish bottling the peach jam. Actually, what I needed was some peace and quiet, so that I could finish bottling the peach jam. Wish granted. I got too involved in the jam. So quiet, so peaceful...I am getting so much done. Good children. Good laughing children.

Where are the children?

Satan's little helpers are pouring two cans of orange Fanta on to Lachlan's bed. On her pillows, on her sheets, on her blankets/quilts (including her Pottery Barn crap--it's crap now). They are laughing. Jack is actually rolling around on the Fanta.

To say that I lost control doesn't really even come close. Ballistic? Maybe.

Later that night as Jeff is tucking Lachlan into her sleeping bag she tells him, "Dad, me pour Coke on bed. Mom get REAL mad and spanky my bare bum. Me never do it again."

Dry Cleaning Bill for the week: $55
Lesson Learned: Priceless

Driving and Crying

My work week started last Sunday night. I went to Cedar City to teach a class for my friend Peggy. She's an adjunct at SUU and probably one of my favorite people. I look forward to working with her in the fall and the spring. In the old days (like 6 or 7 years ago) I used to go with Deb (coworker), now I make the drive alone. I think it is so funny that I remember having a travel companion. The best part is having Peggy all to myself for hard core teacher talk (ha.ha.ha.) The worst part is the drive. It's too much thinking. When I worked full-time I used to really look forward to it. I could literally plan out a workshop, organize a presentation, write a new lesson plan...I was a driving-thinking-working-machine. Things are different now. Now I have time to think about what I don't have time for, or money for--or worse, what I'm grateful for, or how my life has changed, or people who make a difference...hence, the crying part of the driving.

Have you ever passed a woman on the freeway who was crying? It is unnerving at best. Admit it, you've either been the crying woman or at least changed lanes around the crying woman. Do you prefer to wear sunglasses? Or are you a mascara dripping on your seatbelt kind of girl?

You know what makes it worse? The CD's you packed for the trip. In preparation for the upcoming Veteran's Day concert, like a dolt, I shoved in a bunch of "God Bless Americas" and "National Anthem" renditions. Nothin' brings on the drivin' cryin' tears like a good round of small town patriotism.

Somewhere around Parowan I got control of myself--I pulled off the freeway and went to the bathroom at a Wendys. It was about 5 degrees outside and I had to "hover" over the toity. It was "God Bless Reality" at that point because I was damn near ready to call in to Delilah on FM100 and start dedicating James Taylor songs to old friends. Even as I type this--I am aghast that I let it get to that point.

On a lighter note, I had really good food on the trip. There's a newer place in Cedar called the "Garden"--it's a renovated old home and the food is excellent. I had fresh split pea soup. fantastic. I would have taken a picture, but I left my cell in the car! And on the trip home, I stopped at a truck stop/diner in Beaver to try their Mexican food (on a recommendation)- the Carne Asade was very tasty!

Oh, and I'm giving a solid recommendation to the Hampton Inns just off of University Parkway in Orem and the one at Thanksgiving Point. There are very few places I haven't stayed at over the years and this was a last minute decision. I rank hotels by the bed and the shower head. If I walk into a motel and the bed looks like something from a CSI episode OR if the shower head has less than a 6 inch diameter--I'm outta there! There's nothing worse than hopping in the shower and having the water come shooting out at a force and velocity that it takes the skin off your sensitive parts. And as far as the bed goes--I just have to think back to the days when SJT and TF used to work at the Moore Motel in high school. I'm sure that Grisom could've found some fluorescent stains in that disgusting place.

Its Official

If you haven't seen Barnett's blog and you want to see what his new WIFE looks like...
It's not a joke. I haven't posted anything about the engagement because, well, it's Jason. I suppose now I can make mention of it. I know that there are many of you who thought this day would never happen--there are some of you who will be disappointed (men and women :)!) ha.ha.ha. I'm totally chuckling as I write that...(you know who you are).

At any rate, we had lunch with them the other day and he had a bonifide smile on his face. Here's a toast to a friend who lost track of the number of women he hooked up with 20 years ago...

Bec, it's a good thing you're current on the food storage because I think the end of the world is probably scheduled for this weekend.

letter to google

With all of the perks offered to Google employees, couldn't one of you create a blogger system that loads pictures into the section of the page where they are needed. Having them load all onto the top of the page--aauuggh. Let's just start there with the technical demands. When you make some improvements here, I'll be in touch concerning the streaming video.

Summer's Last Gasp

I should be pulling the rest of the weeds; replanting the sage, thyme and oregano; washing windows; watering the compost pile; laying down a new layer of bark chips--winter is knocking on the door here in CV. It's going to snow this weekend. I can feel it in my bones. I'm counting on the fact that there will be at least two more dry weekends before continual frost. It will be cold, no doubt, but hopefully dry. And with those thoughts, I park myself in front of the blog...

What happened to September? I look at these pictures and I can't believe how quickly it came and went. I'll start first with a few more birthday pics and work our way back to the first of the month.

Shown here: more historical evidence of the blob cake; Lachlan's favorite gift, gum; and giving her best shot at the princess pinata.

Jack and Lachlan are now wearing their "hot" jammies every night. Jack likes to have a choc-choc ba-ba right before bed and Lachlan enjoys watching Dr. House on Fox while sucking on an old diaper rag. I told Lachlan to start watching for the sky to get pink after dinner because that tells us that the sun is going to bed. They are now both obsessed with the sky, starting at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. Today on the way home from preschool she told me that we needed to hurry because the sun was going to bed (estimated time: noon).

Maria taught Lachlan all about dress-up this summer. I now get frequent requests for hair clips, Sunday shoes, and a purse. I made the pink boa for her. She hates it because it is "too much" (her words, not mine). Of course it's too much, it's dress up! She's only wearing it because I told her to just try it on (notice how she doesn't want it to touch her purse!). Now, on the other end of the spectrum...there's Jack...something "too much"? Impossible. Shown here are his two favorite outfits. Chicken with Elmo "swippers" and authentic gypsy wear that Nanny Nancy brought back from Greece. He totally digs the twinkling coins. Who wouldn't??!

Family night. Jeff got a new church calling and lets just say that it has been for the better and for the worse. Mostly better for everyone, sometimes worse just for me...but let's stick with the subject. In order to avoid total hypocrisy we have implemented a "real" family night. I mean we sing 10 songs, have a 2-minute talk about anything Jeff and I deem pertinent, sing more songs, have a prayer, and then Lachlan does her vocabulary homework.

Or we go mini-golfing.

The course nearest our home isn't difficult, but it does have some screaming water traps. Half of our golf balls are probably still at the bottom of those lagoons. The kids liked it. They didn't love it because they were totally confused. Hit the ball, but don't touch it?? It was much more fun to climb on the rocks. Jeff is a good golfer. He had so many "hole-in-ones" that I stopped counting. I have ZERO athletic ability due to poor eye-hand coordination and no patience. There were several holes where Jeff allowed a "re-do" of the whole thing because it really wouldn't have been a contest if he had to mark down 10-11 shots per hole on a par 3. Oh, and this is a great shot of the kids toasting a successful family event. Cheers.

And finally, we discovered this summer that Lachlan is a rock climbing machine. We were at the park for a Murray Family Picnic and we looked over and saw her climbing the wall all by herself. We couldn't get her off of it. I actually had to pull her down with both arms when she got to the top because she wanted to climb OVER the wall, too. I guess that only weighing twenty pounds can really come in handy when you are trying to lift your own body weight. Jack learned to love the park this summer. He prefers the slide and the swings to climbing. He starts on the slide in the seated position and then hurries and flips over onto his stomach on the way down.

September19.

We celebrated Lachlan's third birthday a few weeks ago. I haven't had a chance to review the pictures and video until now--I decided to post this video because it really captured the whole moment. Being a parent is such a surreal experience most of the time. You have it pictured and planned in your mind--and how things turn out--soooo different. Take one look at my "birthday cake" for Lachlan. She wanted a pink cake. No other specifications. How hard could it be? Well, the cake turned out so light and fluffy that I couldn't even frost the stupid thing. I didn't have time to throw it in the freezer to "stiffen it up," so I just had to wipe the frosting on and try to keep as much of the edge as possible (which wasn't very much). It looked like a greasy pile of pink dump. I threw a bunch of sprinkles on it because it was so hideous. The good news is that Lachlan doesn't care about the form of her sugar heroin. She would have eaten it no matter what--but it was a cooking humiliation for me.

Because the cake was a disaster, I hurried and threw in a batch of homemade donuts for the cousins and other party guests. These were a better option and if anyone is craving a sugar/fat combo stop by because I have enough frozen to get us to her 5th birthday party.

I should mention that this video clip really isn't about Lachlan. It's really about Sierra. Keep your eye on the blonde--I've laughed about this clip for three days. What you don't see in this video is that shortly after the "incident" she snorts a bunch of pink lemonade up her nose and starts hacking and wheezing. You can hear Suz in the background (while we are asking Lachlan if she is having a fun birthday party) asking Sierra if she needs to go in the bathroom and throw up. I've been to many parties with Sierra and she never disappoints in the entertainment category.

So after the "incident", vomiting, and dump cake...why not finish this off in style??? Yeah, we cranked out the pinata. We didn't have anyone get hit in the "you know where"--but Lachlan did cry and Jack got hit in the head with the pinata (more tears).

Oh, and Aunt Sara gave Lachlan a beautiful pink tutu--complete with ribbons and bows. Sorry Sara, but she's terrified of it. Jeff finally got her talked into wearing it yesterday. I think she only did it because he said that if she didn't want to wear it than he was going to give Jack a turn. HE (Jack boy) loves the tutu, the fake hairdryer, plastic lipstick, and the double doll stroller from Nanny Nancy.

I've got high expectations for Halloween.

You've Been Warned

Three things women should never do at home. Come on, girls, seriously these jobs should be left to paid professionals.

1) Eyebrow wax and shaping. If you aren't having them done (well, that's your first problem). If you are doing it at home-commit today to change. If you have even considered doing a bikini wax at home I've got two words for you. Blood Blisters.

2) Hair Color/Highlight. what the?? Just because Eva Longoria says that she does her own color with Loreal--doesn't mean that it is true. This rule is an absolute for anybody other than toe-heads who think that they should be any form of blonde.

3) Dry Cleaning. Again, all earth-friendliness aside--do you really think that throwing that Ralph Lauren jacket in with a "dryer sheet" is going to take the body odor smell out of your clothing? The same applies for those who feel that Febreeze and a good iron should be enough for linen pants.

And while we're on the topic of women's issues. I received this "letter to the manufacturer" from my dear friend Shari . She wanted to know if I had sent it--actually, no. In all honesty, I stopped wearing pads in 1991 (for reasons that will be avoided due to "gross-out factor")--oh, and I guess I had a short stint there after the birth of Jack. You can't avoid them after birth. It goes along with the $12,000 humiliation package they offer at all hospitals for expectant mothers. Generally included with the "netted" XXL panties, and the "oh, you have inverted nipples" comment from the male nurse.

At any rate, I got a good laugh out of it this morning. It's worth sharing.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . .Best,
Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX