Ms. O'Leary

I almost burned the house down last night. I dropped a small paring knife with a plastic handle inside the oven. It fell down into the heating vents on our gas stove. It went down so far and the oven was so hot that it ignited. Black smoke was pouring out of the oven--and the whole interior was filled with flame. I'll be completely honest when I say that I didn't have a clue what I should do. There aren't a lot of safety tips for lighting a piece of plastic on fire. I grabbed the fire extinguisher from under the kitchen sink, but as quickly as the fire started it went out.

There were shards of melted plastic covering every surface in the kitchen. This morning I found a giant black ring of toxic something coating the edge of the stove. Jeff took apart the oven and the only remaining trace of the knife was the tip of the metal blade.

It's about 35 degrees outside and I have every door and window open. I'm trying to get rid of the smell. I'd take the kids outside until it is better, but it is so cold that we are just going to take our chances and bump up our antioxidant intake for the next few days.

What it Really Means...

Let's just recap...so yesterday, Jeff comes home from work and says,"Hi, (he's happy and smiling) how was your day?"

Me: "Long." (picture me looking like Phyllis Diller only older and smelling of cat puke and dirty diapers)

Now I know that there are many of you out there who have given this same response. Perhaps, some of you say it every single day and think it nearly every hour. I've decided to delve into the real significance of the word. And for the men, yeah, this is why we are eating sloppy joes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, why you are sleeping in dirty sheets, showering with sharp toys, why you get yelled at for parking on the left side of the garage and for turning off a hall light, why your wife never wants to go hike up to the reflectors or help you grind concrete in the basement.

This is why the day is long.

7:00-7:30: Wake up to Elmo's World. (already, we enter an alternative universe) Elmo learns about the importance of hands. Jack drinks a chocolate milk.

7:30-8:30: Jeff off to work. Lachlan eats cheese for breakfast. Jack will not eat breakfast. I try to put a piece of toast in his mouth and he gags so violently that I hold my breath because I'm afraid that the chocolate milk is going to come up.

8:30-9:00: Lachlan sits on the toilet. Nothing happening, so I get her dressed and help her make the bed. Jack cries because he doesn't want to get dressed or have his diaper changed. He wants to jump on Lachlan's bed and "snip" off our noses like a blackbird.

9:00-9:30: Read Hop on Pop to Jack. Lachlan runs around screaming, "no, pat, no...no, sit on that!" Try to put Jack down for a nap.

9:45: Jack yelling, "mama, where are ya?" No nap.

10:00-10:30: While doing the laundry I discover that the cat has had a "digestive disorder" on the clean underwear. Fantastic. Give children crayons to color while I clean up "problem."

10:30-11:00: Discover kids have colored all over the hardwood floor. Use Mr. Clean Eraser to clean up. Lachlan tells me that Jack also colored on her bedroom door. A tattle, but she's right. Before I can clean up the door, the Jehovah's Witnesses stop by to offer their message. Lachlan answers the door so we visit. While talking I notice that a dead mouse is on our front porch--great.

11:30-1:00: Start a load of laundry. Start the dishwasher. Put a hat on hair. Fix chicken soup for the kids' lunch. Susie calls. I walk out of the room for 4 minutes. Jack decides to wear his soup and rub it into the front of his shirt. When I come in the room, Lachlan is yelling, "no, Jack, no" and Jack is yelling, "stop, Lolo, timeout!" Wash Jack, change his clothes. Wash Lachlan, sit her on the toilet. Lay Jack down for a nap. Wipe Lachlan, lay her down for a nap. Eat cold soup and Ritz crackers while standing up staring the kitchen table, which is covered in chicken slime and wet rice. Wish that I had only eaten the crackers.

1:00-3:00: Make a shopping list. Read email from work (instantly wish that I hadn't). More laundry. Decide to make a peach cobbler for dinner. Realize that the peaches have rotted-experience moment of disappointment and guilt for wasted summer fruit. Empty kitchen garbage. Find another "digestive moment"--this time downstairs on the newly installed office flooring. Curse Ernie's life. Throw all cats outside.

3:00-4:00: Kids awake. Jack starving, but only wants fruit snacks. Lachlan begging for gum. Both kids get gum. Load in the car to go to the store. Push around bulky, backward steering "car cart" so that they will stay occupied for at least 10 minutes. Jack tries to put his gum in his pocket, "tav it, mama" Cries when I take it away. I do most of the shopping while holding his chewed gum. The pharmacy says that the perscription meds are not ready so we wait while the kids try to pull vitamins off of the shelves. I feel like I might need to cry a little bit. Don't have a clue what we are going to have for dinner...

4:00-5:30: Unload kids and groceries. Throw potatoes in the microwave. Jack crying and holding onto my leg while I walk around the kitchen. Phone is ringing. Brian Williams is talking recession. Decide to make the cobbler with canned peaches. Cutting up vegetables, wiping off the table from lunch. Run the vacuum underneath the table. Tell Lachlan that if she doesn't get out from under the table that I will have to kill her. Take Jack's hands out of the garbage can, tell him to get out of the bathroom, stop biting Lachlan, stop pushing her, stop looking at her.....finally tell Lachlan to just bite him back. Both kids are begging for Elmo's World and Mickey Mouse. I start to think, "I'll show you Mickey Mouse..."

5:45: Jeff home.

Was it the worst day? Not even close...just long. Did I cry? Nope. But I did have that moment at Maceys where I gave some serious consideration to sitting down by the IcyHot and just checking out. All the self-help, super happy people say that they just make time to recharge (i.e., time for self)--when exactly do they do that? I just don't really see myself saying, "Okay, Lachlan you sit here on the toilet and do your thing while your brother unrolls 25 rolls of toilet paper and mommy is going to lock herself in her room and have a mini pedicure and read the Bible." It's kind of like when Susie read that book about how to have a happier marriage and it said that when you are really angry you should just say a prayer. Her first thought, "What a cop-out!"--yeah, I read the book, it's what I thought too. Maybe it says something about our genetics, but perhaps it's just that when your mad/tired/worn out what you want to do is punch the wall (Becca) and not relax and have a prayer, or a pedicure.

Oh, well. At least we're all here in Elmo's World together. I'm holding out for the episode where Elmo learns that his mom is saving for his college fund so she can take a cruise and make a craft room out of his bedroom.

Murray Pagan Rituals

Jeff has a lot of relatives. As in--there are so many of them that you really aren't sure whether that is his sister's kid, his niece's boy, or that's one of the three Nephites. It really doesn't matter because they all live within a 2-mile square radius of each other so sooner or later you are going to pronounce someone's name wrong (or forget it altogether). Due to the fact that a family get-together will involve 18 phone calls from Gae, three food assignments from Karen and a centerpiece display from Jolene--they don't really celebrate real holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. They prefer to stick to the strictly pagan celebrations--like Halloween.

I've never really liked Halloween. When you grow up in the middle of nowhere, Hallow's Eve amounts to putting a winter coat and snow pants over your costume and having your mom drive you around in a brown Ford LTD. It's not exactly as fun as it appears on television. Especially when, after about 30 minutes, you are tired of getting out of the car every half mile for a stale popcorn ball. There was that one year when mom took us to the big city (Idaho Falls) and we went door to door with Val and Kim. Oh, that was really living. We had shopping bags full of treats. It was even warm enough to actually stay outside after dark! That Halloween actually ruined me though, after that I knew what I was missing and it made the whole night even worse.

I digress, so last Friday we went to the annual scare fest. I hadn't tried on the kid's costumes until about an hour before the party. Jack's was too small and I couldn't even get the zipper to go all the way up--fortunately, he was so excited to be a tiger--actually, he was even more excited to take a purse to the party. I made the mistake of calling it a purse, rather than a "candy bag" or something not so weirdo. He was REALLY excited about the purse. Lachlan's giraffe costume was perfect. I'm so glad that I bought the larger size at the last minute. The butt of that giraffe was so funny. I've got some hilarious video of her running and that booty is shifting side to side. I know that it is exactly what my rear looks like when I jog--so it really was the scariest thing of the whole night! Jeff dressed as a safari guide. Both of the kids said that they did not like his hat and that he should take it off and it should "stay home."

Here's some of the party highlights. I should have taken a picture of one of the relatives who dressed as a "hamburger knight" (don't ask me what it was all about)-he had a hamburger costume with a knight helmet and a sword. Jack was terrified and ran from him all night. He also decided that he just wanted to run around in his underwear after about 30 minutes of the tiger outfit. I'm nervous that he won't want to put it on for the real deal--I'll have to start with the brainwashing. Shown below: Claire and Irene dressed up for church and L and dad show off their vampire teeth.

My favorite part of the night is watching the kids eat a donut off of a string. Last year, Lachlan must have eaten a dozen donuts. This year, she was already overdosed by the time we got to that point, but she took one for the team and dry-heaved her way to glory. Jack took a couple of bites, but then decided that he would go back for more pencils. Yeah, pencils. He's got quite a collection. He filled up the front of his onesie with pencils and then told me "put 'em in pocket, mom."

Light 'Em Up

I've mentioned Lachlan's "smokers grip" before. I caught her smoking this Cheeto two days ago. It was pretty funny the way she casually laid her hand on the table and then brought it to her mouth to take a long drag on the powdered cheese.

This is one of her more fascinating quirks. Whenever I catch her fake smoking it literally stops me in my tracks and I just have to sit and quietly watch--where did she learn this??

Life Support?

I know. It's shallow to laugh at him, but seriously, this picture of him at the final debate...come on. It's hilarious. The possibilities for commentary alone are astronomical. Let me just throw out a few just in case someone from the local paper is reading.

McCain chokes on smug during final debate.

Debate Disaster: McCain suffers from Depends leakage.

Kissing Republican ass...leaves bad taste in the mouth.

Okay, now I'll open it up for your suggestions. Oh, and as long as I'm raking the muck-I'll throw in a look at this yard sign that also gave me quite a chuckle.

The Good News: Fanta Doesn't Stain

I needed to finish bottling the peach jam. Actually, what I needed was some peace and quiet, so that I could finish bottling the peach jam. Wish granted. I got too involved in the jam. So quiet, so peaceful...I am getting so much done. Good children. Good laughing children.

Where are the children?

Satan's little helpers are pouring two cans of orange Fanta on to Lachlan's bed. On her pillows, on her sheets, on her blankets/quilts (including her Pottery Barn crap--it's crap now). They are laughing. Jack is actually rolling around on the Fanta.

To say that I lost control doesn't really even come close. Ballistic? Maybe.

Later that night as Jeff is tucking Lachlan into her sleeping bag she tells him, "Dad, me pour Coke on bed. Mom get REAL mad and spanky my bare bum. Me never do it again."

Dry Cleaning Bill for the week: $55
Lesson Learned: Priceless

Driving and Crying

My work week started last Sunday night. I went to Cedar City to teach a class for my friend Peggy. She's an adjunct at SUU and probably one of my favorite people. I look forward to working with her in the fall and the spring. In the old days (like 6 or 7 years ago) I used to go with Deb (coworker), now I make the drive alone. I think it is so funny that I remember having a travel companion. The best part is having Peggy all to myself for hard core teacher talk (ha.ha.ha.) The worst part is the drive. It's too much thinking. When I worked full-time I used to really look forward to it. I could literally plan out a workshop, organize a presentation, write a new lesson plan...I was a driving-thinking-working-machine. Things are different now. Now I have time to think about what I don't have time for, or money for--or worse, what I'm grateful for, or how my life has changed, or people who make a difference...hence, the crying part of the driving.

Have you ever passed a woman on the freeway who was crying? It is unnerving at best. Admit it, you've either been the crying woman or at least changed lanes around the crying woman. Do you prefer to wear sunglasses? Or are you a mascara dripping on your seatbelt kind of girl?

You know what makes it worse? The CD's you packed for the trip. In preparation for the upcoming Veteran's Day concert, like a dolt, I shoved in a bunch of "God Bless Americas" and "National Anthem" renditions. Nothin' brings on the drivin' cryin' tears like a good round of small town patriotism.

Somewhere around Parowan I got control of myself--I pulled off the freeway and went to the bathroom at a Wendys. It was about 5 degrees outside and I had to "hover" over the toity. It was "God Bless Reality" at that point because I was damn near ready to call in to Delilah on FM100 and start dedicating James Taylor songs to old friends. Even as I type this--I am aghast that I let it get to that point.

On a lighter note, I had really good food on the trip. There's a newer place in Cedar called the "Garden"--it's a renovated old home and the food is excellent. I had fresh split pea soup. fantastic. I would have taken a picture, but I left my cell in the car! And on the trip home, I stopped at a truck stop/diner in Beaver to try their Mexican food (on a recommendation)- the Carne Asade was very tasty!

Oh, and I'm giving a solid recommendation to the Hampton Inns just off of University Parkway in Orem and the one at Thanksgiving Point. There are very few places I haven't stayed at over the years and this was a last minute decision. I rank hotels by the bed and the shower head. If I walk into a motel and the bed looks like something from a CSI episode OR if the shower head has less than a 6 inch diameter--I'm outta there! There's nothing worse than hopping in the shower and having the water come shooting out at a force and velocity that it takes the skin off your sensitive parts. And as far as the bed goes--I just have to think back to the days when SJT and TF used to work at the Moore Motel in high school. I'm sure that Grisom could've found some fluorescent stains in that disgusting place.

Its Official

If you haven't seen Barnett's blog and you want to see what his new WIFE looks like...
It's not a joke. I haven't posted anything about the engagement because, well, it's Jason. I suppose now I can make mention of it. I know that there are many of you who thought this day would never happen--there are some of you who will be disappointed (men and women :)!) ha.ha.ha. I'm totally chuckling as I write that...(you know who you are).

At any rate, we had lunch with them the other day and he had a bonifide smile on his face. Here's a toast to a friend who lost track of the number of women he hooked up with 20 years ago...

Bec, it's a good thing you're current on the food storage because I think the end of the world is probably scheduled for this weekend.

letter to google

With all of the perks offered to Google employees, couldn't one of you create a blogger system that loads pictures into the section of the page where they are needed. Having them load all onto the top of the page--aauuggh. Let's just start there with the technical demands. When you make some improvements here, I'll be in touch concerning the streaming video.