What it Really Means...

Let's just recap...so yesterday, Jeff comes home from work and says,"Hi, (he's happy and smiling) how was your day?"

Me: "Long." (picture me looking like Phyllis Diller only older and smelling of cat puke and dirty diapers)

Now I know that there are many of you out there who have given this same response. Perhaps, some of you say it every single day and think it nearly every hour. I've decided to delve into the real significance of the word. And for the men, yeah, this is why we are eating sloppy joes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, why you are sleeping in dirty sheets, showering with sharp toys, why you get yelled at for parking on the left side of the garage and for turning off a hall light, why your wife never wants to go hike up to the reflectors or help you grind concrete in the basement.

This is why the day is long.

7:00-7:30: Wake up to Elmo's World. (already, we enter an alternative universe) Elmo learns about the importance of hands. Jack drinks a chocolate milk.

7:30-8:30: Jeff off to work. Lachlan eats cheese for breakfast. Jack will not eat breakfast. I try to put a piece of toast in his mouth and he gags so violently that I hold my breath because I'm afraid that the chocolate milk is going to come up.

8:30-9:00: Lachlan sits on the toilet. Nothing happening, so I get her dressed and help her make the bed. Jack cries because he doesn't want to get dressed or have his diaper changed. He wants to jump on Lachlan's bed and "snip" off our noses like a blackbird.

9:00-9:30: Read Hop on Pop to Jack. Lachlan runs around screaming, "no, pat, no...no, sit on that!" Try to put Jack down for a nap.

9:45: Jack yelling, "mama, where are ya?" No nap.

10:00-10:30: While doing the laundry I discover that the cat has had a "digestive disorder" on the clean underwear. Fantastic. Give children crayons to color while I clean up "problem."

10:30-11:00: Discover kids have colored all over the hardwood floor. Use Mr. Clean Eraser to clean up. Lachlan tells me that Jack also colored on her bedroom door. A tattle, but she's right. Before I can clean up the door, the Jehovah's Witnesses stop by to offer their message. Lachlan answers the door so we visit. While talking I notice that a dead mouse is on our front porch--great.

11:30-1:00: Start a load of laundry. Start the dishwasher. Put a hat on hair. Fix chicken soup for the kids' lunch. Susie calls. I walk out of the room for 4 minutes. Jack decides to wear his soup and rub it into the front of his shirt. When I come in the room, Lachlan is yelling, "no, Jack, no" and Jack is yelling, "stop, Lolo, timeout!" Wash Jack, change his clothes. Wash Lachlan, sit her on the toilet. Lay Jack down for a nap. Wipe Lachlan, lay her down for a nap. Eat cold soup and Ritz crackers while standing up staring the kitchen table, which is covered in chicken slime and wet rice. Wish that I had only eaten the crackers.

1:00-3:00: Make a shopping list. Read email from work (instantly wish that I hadn't). More laundry. Decide to make a peach cobbler for dinner. Realize that the peaches have rotted-experience moment of disappointment and guilt for wasted summer fruit. Empty kitchen garbage. Find another "digestive moment"--this time downstairs on the newly installed office flooring. Curse Ernie's life. Throw all cats outside.

3:00-4:00: Kids awake. Jack starving, but only wants fruit snacks. Lachlan begging for gum. Both kids get gum. Load in the car to go to the store. Push around bulky, backward steering "car cart" so that they will stay occupied for at least 10 minutes. Jack tries to put his gum in his pocket, "tav it, mama" Cries when I take it away. I do most of the shopping while holding his chewed gum. The pharmacy says that the perscription meds are not ready so we wait while the kids try to pull vitamins off of the shelves. I feel like I might need to cry a little bit. Don't have a clue what we are going to have for dinner...

4:00-5:30: Unload kids and groceries. Throw potatoes in the microwave. Jack crying and holding onto my leg while I walk around the kitchen. Phone is ringing. Brian Williams is talking recession. Decide to make the cobbler with canned peaches. Cutting up vegetables, wiping off the table from lunch. Run the vacuum underneath the table. Tell Lachlan that if she doesn't get out from under the table that I will have to kill her. Take Jack's hands out of the garbage can, tell him to get out of the bathroom, stop biting Lachlan, stop pushing her, stop looking at her.....finally tell Lachlan to just bite him back. Both kids are begging for Elmo's World and Mickey Mouse. I start to think, "I'll show you Mickey Mouse..."

5:45: Jeff home.

Was it the worst day? Not even close...just long. Did I cry? Nope. But I did have that moment at Maceys where I gave some serious consideration to sitting down by the IcyHot and just checking out. All the self-help, super happy people say that they just make time to recharge (i.e., time for self)--when exactly do they do that? I just don't really see myself saying, "Okay, Lachlan you sit here on the toilet and do your thing while your brother unrolls 25 rolls of toilet paper and mommy is going to lock herself in her room and have a mini pedicure and read the Bible." It's kind of like when Susie read that book about how to have a happier marriage and it said that when you are really angry you should just say a prayer. Her first thought, "What a cop-out!"--yeah, I read the book, it's what I thought too. Maybe it says something about our genetics, but perhaps it's just that when your mad/tired/worn out what you want to do is punch the wall (Becca) and not relax and have a prayer, or a pedicure.

Oh, well. At least we're all here in Elmo's World together. I'm holding out for the episode where Elmo learns that his mom is saving for his college fund so she can take a cruise and make a craft room out of his bedroom.